It’s not uncommon for people to think that once they have a significant other that there is no more work to be done. That’s so far from the truth. Now that “you” are a “we” you have to learn what that means. You have to learn what your “signif” needs, and that’s a process in itself.
Remember the fundamentals: Attraction begets Interest begets Like begets Intense Like. If you don’t, they’re are clearly defined in the book, “The Business of Dating.”
In a nutshell, we move through these four phases by way of intimacy. Spatial intimacy, emotional intimacy, and spiritual intimacy, to be exact. (Note that physical intimacy was not included.) How do we create intimacy? By sharing time and space; by verbal and non-verbal communication; by being reactive and proactive…you get the idea.
And all of these things–while making perfect sense to us–can create closeness, openness, and the need to run away from you very fast in our significant other. This is why we have to work on our relationships, and almost craft a language that only the two of you understand.
Now, it may seem lame for the two of you to come to a relationship coach; however, at the moment when you both decide that you like each other, and would like to see where this relationship can take you both, it might be a fun thing to do to just have a chat with your new wingwoman. (That could be me, by the way.)
After all, it’s better to learn how we make it better now, than to figure out it doesn’t get any worse later.
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After 27 years of marriage, Reid is now a single guy, but he’s not a dater. (He doesn’t even know what dating is!) This hopeless romantic will spend his sessions learning how to date in the 21st century–including exploring and avoiding the pitfalls of online and offline dating.
Reid is the perfect client.
We love that he knows what he wants, and that he’s willing to learn and to open his mind to what this new chapter of his life has to offer.
After a divorce, there are many things to consider…and here are just a “few.”:
One: Why didn’t my marriage last? This is a question that will have varying answers depending on when you ask it. The most honest answer will probably be the one that puts both of your challenges and shortcomings into the spotlight. If you’re still playing the “blame game,” then you’re not being honest…and that is the first step to healing.
Two: What did I learn? Better question. I once had a client that learned the value of communication AFTER his divorce. While some might say that it’s too late, I say that he will take that lesson into his next relationship, and be better for it.
Three: Do I want to be married again? This is another great question, and one that you not take lightly. The answer will determine what your post-divorce relationships look like and will set the expectations for your future significant other.
[dropcap style=”1″ size=”3″]+[/dropcap] So, now it’s your turn. If you’re like Reid…let’s talk about it.
Hooking up is one of those interesting college activities that doesn’t seem to be going away. As tempting as it might be to join in, there are a few things that you might want to consider:
- One: Do you really want to be just a hook up?
- Two: If you hook up with this person, do you know what that means…really?
- Three: Why are you hooking up with this person?
If you want to be more than a hook up, then don’t settle. I recently told a group of students at a college in Iowa that if you want to be a hook up, and that’s all you want to be, then fine. However, the truth is that there are quite a few female and male students that want more than a hook up, and are doing it in hopes of getting a relationship.
What I also have learned is that most students have different definitions for a “hook up.” Some automatically think that it means sex, while other students define it as a hot a heavy–but fully clothed–make out session. So, you might want to ask the potential “hookee” (person you’re hooked up with) what their expectations are.
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Again, if all you want is a hook up, then be sure that is all that you want. But, if you are bored, tired of studying, drunk, or simply giving in to peer pressure (hey, it happens), then perhaps hooking up is not what you need to do. Making excuses for why you’re hooking up is just as bad as settling for a hook up.
In the end, be sure that you know what you’re doing when you’re doing it (or not doing it).
As an administrator, “hooking up” is more important to you than you might think. Subscribe above and get “Reading, Writing and Relationships,” in your inbox. Two words: Student. Retention.
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[pullquote align=”right”]”I don’t know where we would be without coming to you…we’re no longer getting divorced.” Testimonial from Coach Steph’s last marriage mediation session.[/pullquote] Pre-marital coaching is an area that few venture into. most husbands and wives to-be simply talk to the pastor for six weeks and then walk down the aisle…BIG MISTAKE!
Now that you are married, I’d recommend some post-nuptial coaching and allow us to find you a successfully (and happily) married couple to be your marriage “mentors.” The truth is that most people don’t talk about the challenges of being married, and they expect newlyweds to become a functioning marital unit overnight. It doesn’t happen like that.
Communication is the key. You have to learn each other’s languages and that takes time. If you’ve already had your first argument as a married couple, that’s okay. Conflict in itself isn’t bad–but how you handle it can be.
I am not married (yet), however, I respect the institution and know that every marriage is different. I coach married couples based on the spiritual principles of being man and wife, and on the practicality of having a successful relationship with another human being, which includes understanding both the differences and similarities between the two of you. Finding and appreciating your differences and similarities will mean the difference between “happily ever after,” and “happily NEVER after.”
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