Dear Brian…There’s Nothing Wrong with the “Right Way”

You’ve heard me say repeatedly that, “dating aint mating,” because it isn’t.  My savvy little definition of dating?  So glad that you asked.  “Dating is a process of exchanging NON-SEXUAL time and space with someone who seems worthy of your time, energy and emotions to find out if they are, in fact, worthy of your time, energy and emotions.”

Now, beyond the fact that I do not celebrate or advocate physical intimacy of the pre-marital kind, is the reality that sex ALWAYS changes the dynamic of any relationship.

And then there’s you.  A guy who wants to wait for Mrs. Right.  I think it’s great!  But, I know first-hand that it is hard to do.  Forget the pressures of those around you, you are walking a path that requires discipline.  If you choose to remain single, it might be easier, but that is not a guarantee.  If you decide to have dating, or exclusive relationships during this season in your life, that will require not only transparent communication, but also having the ability to choose a person who will not try to entice you to comprehend your beliefs.

I have no idea why you have chosen this path, but I absolutely salute you, and I think that coaching can help you put things in the right perspective.

Whatever you need, we can help. Click here.

All the #SingleLadies…

I have held my tongue long enough!

After being repeatedly disappointed in the second season of the dollar-store version of Sex and the City, known to most of you, as “Single Ladies,” it’s time to make some things clear…

Single Ladies is doing its millions of viewers–who are largely female– a huge disservice.  Not only are these characters void of executive level careers, it seems that their every dating move, must culminate in some version of sex, which usually creates a even more dysfunctional relationship than what was occuring pre-sex.

In fact, all of the relationships on this show exhibit some level of dysfunction.  But, we continue to tune in because, for some, this is just life imitating art imitating life.

WTH?!

I was almost proud of the character played by Denise Vasi (Raquel) when she decided that she could date two different men.  However, my pride was dashed (no pun intended) to bits as she took the opportunity to bed one of them during the same episode.  Dating aint’ mating–consummating, that is–and as such is the case, should you follow the example of Denise’s character, you will end up just like she did…empty handed.

I won’t even go into the exploits of LisaRaye’s character, because the truth is that she is too old to be ungainfully employed, and driving the Ashton Martin her ex-signif bought for her.  While there are some of you reading this who think that is cute.  The truth is, she should be able to afford her own.  Her own Ashton Martin, her own house, and her own life.  But, that’s enough about that.

If you haven’t noticed, everytime one of these women engages in the sexual conquests, they are the ones that are conquered.  The lusts and passions of these characters are very true to life, and the outcomes of their decisions are very true to life, too.  If you continue to use sex as a toy, tool, plot, or powerplay, you will remain as these characters do: SINGLE.

It’s no secret that I don’t advocate for pre-marital sex–in my life, or in my practice; however, if you don’t want to ride that wave with me, at least be mindful of the fact that sex is nothing to play with.  It is nothing that you use to get or keep someone, nor is it something that is casual and without consequences.

Listen, relationships take time to build, and when you add sex before that foundation has been poured (and dried), then you leave yourself in a very vulnerable position.  I am not saying that you should implement a three-month rule, or some ridiculous RULE for when you will give your body to someone, I am saying that sex will change your relationship.  Done too early, it will change it for the worse.  Too early for me, if before there’s a hyphen in my last name; however, again, you may not want to ride that wave with me–that’s fine.  Just be clear about what you are doing when you are “doing it.”  And to make it clear, you are shifting the possibility of building a relationship on ROCK, to one that is built on SAND.  Have you ever seen a house built on sand? Nope–there’s a reason for that.

Bottom line…acting like a “single lady” will keep you a…(wait for it)

…single lady!

If that’s where you want to be, then carry on as your were.  If not, then perhaps you need to reroute the path that you are on, and let Raquel, April and Keisha be characters you watch, not people you imitate.

#CoachStephHasSpoken

Some Advice for Good Sex!

So…I had the privilege of hanging out with my new 20-something year old buddies for a Relationship Roundtable on Saturday.  Of course as with any discussion about relationships, the topic of sex comes up.

You think?

Well, you know my stance on pre-marital sex (and if you don’t, it’s don’t do it); however, for those of you screaming, “screw you Coach Steph! I’m getting me some sex,” then here’s a few things that I would like you to consider.

Calm down, it’s just 4 little things, you can handle it.

Realize that sex is serious.  It’s not anything that you do to show your power, or how well you can do it.  Even if you have the best sex in the world (and references to support this claim), you are a fool to give it to just anyone to prove a point.  Not only is it serious, it’s spiritual.  Now, even if you don’t have a god or believe in God…two people becoming one should sound pretty powerful to you, and in that moment, you should realize that you are both at your most vulnerable.  So, if you don’t mind taking on someone else’s spirit, mind and body for at least 20 minutes, and you’re okay if that it may not mean anything to them when the act is over, then you might be making a good decision.

Insist on protection.  Beyond getting pregnant by someone you may not like in the next 24-48 hours, there are still diseases that can change your life forever.  We’ve all had unprotected sex, but if you’ve been blessed enough to come through it disease free and HIV-negative…then protect your status and protect yourself.  If someone wants to do it without protection, and by protection, I mean something between your flesh and theirs, then consider it an insult to your self-worth.  You are definitely worth a condom (male or female version), some dental dam, something…aren’t you?

Never give your body with expectations.  This is how you get into problems.  You think that if you do it, he will commit, or he will know how you feel.  If you want to have sex with someone, be prepared to accept the fact that they may not call the next day—or ever, and they still see other people, or breakup with you.  If you can accept that without feeling used or cheated, then you’re really strong.

Get over them before you get under a new person.  Sometimes when we lose someone, we’re so upset that we want to take drastic actions.  And by drastic, I mean finding the nearest most available person to bump uglies with. You’re hoping to reclaim your broken heart and show just how fast you can get over your defunct relationship.  WRONG! You’re about to set yourself up for a huge failure (a possibly EPIC fail, if you will).  The feelings you have for your ex are still present, and if you aren’t careful, they will transfer over to the person that you’re smushing.  So…when the deed is done, you’re going to feel even worse.  Now if you can handle that…then you made the right decision.

Now, for those you who are really paying attention…the first letter of the first word in each of the considerations actually spell the word “RING.”  So, yet and still I hope you get the message.

For those of you who think that sex is about power and empowerment, you are setting yourselves up for failure.  While this article is written with a female spin on it, please note that the considerations apply to guys also.

End the end…you will do what’s best for you…I just hope that if it’s right for you now, that it will be right for you later!