Dear Cam & Lucy…Let’s Make This Work

It’s not uncommon for people to think that once they have a significant other that there is no more work to be done.  That’s so far from the  truth.  Now that “you” are a “we” you have to learn what that means. You have to learn what your “signif” needs, and that’s a process in itself.

Remember the fundamentals: Attraction begets Interest begets Like begets Intense Like.  If you don’t, they’re are clearly defined in the book, “The Business of Dating.”

In a nutshell, we move through these four phases by way of intimacy.  Spatial intimacy, emotional intimacy, and spiritual intimacy, to be exact. (Note that physical intimacy was not included.)  How do we create intimacy?  By sharing time and space; by verbal and non-verbal communication; by being reactive and proactive…you get the idea.

And all of these things–while making perfect sense to us–can create closeness, openness, and the need to run away from you very fast in our significant other.  This is why we have to work on our relationships, and almost craft a language that only the two of you understand.

Now, it may seem lame for the two of you to come to a relationship coach; however, at the moment when you both decide that you like each other, and would like to see where this relationship can take you both, it might be a fun thing to do to just have a chat with your new wingwoman. (That could be me, by the way.)

After all, it’s better to learn how we make it better now, than to figure out it doesn’t get any worse later.

Like this story? Want to see how you the two of you can make it work? Click here.

So…You Have a Relationship…

Are you… (Choose One.)

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Being Single Can be Hard

Are Single and… (Choose One.)

[list style=”settings”] [list style=”settings”] [list style=”settings”]
  • Mating
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AskCoachSteph: I Said I Didn’t Care…But I Do.

Coach Steph,
I was dating this guy for 6 months, and everything was going great. But, we never said that we were exclusive, so, I started seeing someone else.

Anyway, now I am confused.  I still like the first guy more, but he found out that I was seeing someone and we had a big fight.  I told him that I didn’t care what he thought about me seeing the other guy…but I lied.  I really wanted him to say that he wanted to be with me, but I was too scared to say that, because I didn’t want to say it out  loud.

HELP!  I don’t know what to do know.

I Care…da** it!

-D.P.R.

[warning][/warning] Use the advice below at your own discretion.  WhatTheLove/Coach Steph promise no outcomes, but provide the following response for entertainment and educational purposes ONLY. (The Legal Department has spoken.)

Dear DPR,

As someone who has tested many, many men, the truth is that you know EXACTLY what to do…you just have to muster up the courage to do two things:

  1. Decide that you are okay with WHATEVER the outcome is, when you go back to Guy #1 and tell him that you want to be with him.
  2. Decide to go back and tell him–not text him, not email him, but call him up, and make time to tell him what you feel face to face.

When we like someone, we all seem to goto mush.  We seek having the upper hand, in a situation where there are no winners or losers.  Admit it, the real reason that you started seeing the other guy was because you wanted a reaction from Guy #1.  You got a reaction when he got upset (make a note of that), but you remain confused because he didn’t say what you want him to say in the heat of that moment.

Too many RomComs….I know…

It’s okay I’ve been there.

The best solution here is what I call the Communication Situation.  It requires you to do 3 three things:

Thing One: Be humble

Thing Two: Be HONEST

Thing Three: Get the whole story

Be humble because you have to eat little crow.  You know you went out and flashed your “I am a big, bad single chic badge” and made a bit of a stir.  But it’s okay.  When you call, be quick to apologize, and ask (not demand or require) that they schedule some time to speak with you.  Remember, you have to be okay with the outcome (see my earlier statement), so if he doesn’t want to meet with you, then don’t press the issue.  Just reiterate that you are sorry, and leave it there.  Call it woman’s intuition, but I do believe that he’ll want to speak with you…keep me posted.

Be HONEST.  This is NOT the time to be coy or cute about what happened, or about what you want.  Honesty is the best policy.  So, once you set this date, show up, explain briefly, and then be honest about what you want from this guy.  It’s that simple.  All he can say is that he wants the same thing…or not.  Either way, you will cease being confused about how this situation will work out for you.

Get the whole story.  If you are not cute or coy about the situation, then this may not be a problem.  However, I will say this: If you want to know if Guy #1 wants to be with you exclusively, then ask that EXACT question.  Do not ask him trite or trivial questions, such as, “do you miss me?” “have you thought about me?” and other things that truly don’t matter in this moment.  All that matters in this moment is that you get a complete answer to the question that you have.  If his response leaves you wondering, then clarify…again GET THE WHOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE STORY!

In conclusion, don’t beat yourself up.  As women, we live (especially our love lives) as double agents.  Strong on the outside, but ooey and gooey on the inside.  As such is the case, sometimes we say and do things in an effort to preserve our strength and to avoid being vulnerable.  As I told you in “Why Don’t You Act Like a Man…” we are emotional creatures…it’s okay.  The man that loves you will embrace that part of you.

Now, all that’s left to do is to pick up the phone…are…you…ready?

Keep me posted…it’s Snuggleville or bust!

Xoxo,

Coach Steph 😉

How to Upgrade “Them”

So…instead of writing yet another article…I am just going to let this lovely chapter from my book, “The Book of Bye!” do the talking.

from Thing Three: “Lemme Upgrade Ya!”

Confession: I am not a fan of this artist.

While the song featuring the same lyrics as this chapter is cute; believing that you are the person ordained to either be the upgrade for or to deliver the upgrades to this new person in your life is cooking up a recipe for DI-SAS-TER!

 That’s disaster, for those of you who didn’t quite catch that.

Why is it a recipe for disaster?

 Let me ask you a question: How would you feel if someone chose you to be their fixer-upper?

 Exactly!

Dana is a really sweet girl.  Not wanting to discriminate, Dana decided that she could go out with Corey despite the fact that she thought he was “too big.”  Her sweet self just thought that he would be a great workout partner, and that would be a great way for them to spend time together.  Well, they didn’t work out together, but you already knew that, and in fact, he never worked out at all!

Now, this is one girl’s story, so some of you won’t be so offended, but imagine if the roles were reversed and Corey tried to slenderize Dana.  There would be a public outcry, and Corey’s head would be requested on a platter.  It would be unconscionable that some man would do this do a woman.

I know. You’re disgusted just thinking about it.  Calm down, and let’s move on to the big thing.

The big thing…

The great thing about a healthy relationship is that we make each other better.  When one member of the relationship believes that he or she is on their A-Game and they further believe that they have chosen a strong C or D-Game individual to fix, this almost never turns out well. Attempts to change someone can lead to a situation riddled with resentment, especially if you take this “upgrade” thing too far and cause the other person to feel inadequate, insecure or self-conscious.  Even if the other person is open to your attempts to change them, the truth is they’ll always be who they are, which may be an overweight guy who likes turtle cheesecake and fried chicken.

 Therefore, we have to accept that the person in front of us is just that person.  They are not the person who would be great, if…or who would be perfect, if.

Dana is really sweet, but the truth is, she should’ve let Corey be exactly who he was…without her.

 

Now, let’s mend it or end it.

 

Mend it, if:

  • The upgrade is cosmetic and minimal.

Translation: If you’re just suggesting a few new items to their wardrobe (emphasis on a “FEW”), or you genuinely love who they are inside and the upgrade is based on bringing them out of their shell, or to encourage them to show-off their best assets.

End it, if…

Well of course I left you hangin’…you need to get the entire book, and check out “things” 1-12.  The Book of Bye! is available at Amazon.com, and you need to get yours before the price changes, AND before my Bye Club Book Club event on December 18th.