Never Can Say Good-Bye!

Just admit it.

Admit what?

Admit that you aren’t strong enough to leave.  Admit that you’re willing to put up with interesting situations, and incessant discussions of the same thing without resolution.

It’s okay. 

You’re not alone.

It’s hard to end a relationship, even if it’s not working.  You’ve put in all this work and you expected some sort of a payoff.  A committment, a spouse, maybe just a drawer in the bedroom for your things…something.  So now, you feel a little bit like you should stay and see this thing through, right? Make sure that it’s run it’s course–you owe it that (or rather you think that you do).  But again, you are not alone.

I cannot say it enough.  We are not supposed to have bad relationships.  We are supposed to be able to avoid people who are not in the same place we are (I call the places, “Carnal, Communal or Committal”) and we are supposed to have the strength to let go of the people who show themselves unworthy of us.  Now when I say unworthy, it makes sound as if it has to be a big deal.  But the truth is, it doesn’t have to be a big deal.  In fact, if we would pay more attention to the little things in our relationships, we might be able to avoid the big heartbreaking thing that ultimately ends this relationship, and shatters your faith in love, the opposite sex, and the ability to ever give that much to anyone else ever again.

Did someone say, “things?”

How do you assess the little things? Well, you can go through the painstaking process of talking to your friends, family and even the Twitterverse, or you can just get my book.

There’s a book about this?

Yes, and I wrote it.  I wrote it to help you stop wasting your time with people that are going to break your heart and ruin your life (if only for a moment).  And, guess what, I didn’t just include ONE little thing…there are TWELVE little things in this book, plus a chapter on how to end it–if that is what you decide you need to do.

You will be strong enough in no time!  I promise!

Guess what I called it?

The Book of Bye! (Seriously…that’s what it is, so why not just call it that).

Look, I know the reason why you can’t say bye, and you know the reason (or reasons) why you can’t say bye.  And no matter what the exact reason is, this is one moment that you can take to figure out what you need to do.

…and I will be right beside you.

In paperback.

For more information on “The Book of Bye!” click here.

How I Know Jimmy Loves Chrissy

Watching “Love and Hip Hop” last night, was a pretty taxing experience.  I admit that I only became interested in the show after I saw last season’s heartfelt proposal by Chrissy Lampkin to long-time beau, rapper Jim Jones—with ring and all.

 My Take:
First of all, I have been where Chrissy is.  She feels that she has to make somethings happen in her relationship, and because she wants marriage, she felt that it was okay to propose.  The truth is that if after 6 years this man is okay with sleeping with you, and sharing a life with you day in and day out, but has YET to explore sharing his last name with you, take that as a sign.

Chrissy is a strong woman, and beautiful one at that.  I am not saying that she should leave him, but I am saying that she should love herself more than she apparently does.  There is nothing like being in love with a man who doesn’t reciprocate the level of emotion that you have for him.  Do I doubt that Jim loves Chrissy? Nope.  Do I doubt that he’s ready (or willing) to be a husband? Well…  The proof is in the relationship.  Jim doesn’t want to be a husband, at least right now.  These two are in different places in this relationship, and that means that actions have to be taken–by both of them.

Need more proof? The proof in the proposal…that she made.

Tsk-tsk.

And as if it wasn’t enough that she proposed.  Jim looked at her tear-stained face and replied, “I got you.”  Well, that’s the problem, isn’t?  You have her, and are fairly convinced that she isn’t going anywhere, so why bother legitimizing this relationship?  Now, Chrissy believes that they are engaged, and she continues to push this agenda into Season 2, perhaps believing that is she keeps saying it (or asking about it) that it will become a reality.

Really, Chrissy?

But, this I do know: Jim love Chrissy.  He does.  Jim loves Chrissy enough to be with her the last 6 years, call her his woman, enjoy all the perks of her being a live-in “wifey” but not enough to make her Mrs. Jones?

That’s not enough love for me, and I wish it wasn’t for her.  But it happens.

Chrissy should realize that it doesn’t take a grown man 6 years to decide what he wants.  If he wanted to marry you…he would’ve asked YOU.

Probably adding to this sitch is the fact that Jim’s (or Jimmy’s) mother, isn’t exactly Chrissy’s biggest fan, and that’s putting it mildly.

If she were my client:
I would have to get to the bottom of why she wants to marry this man so badly, that she would propose to him.  Is this about the 6 years they’ve spent together, or is this about building a future together?  I spent 10 years in a relationship, and I relate to having all the years together and wanting them to culminate in something meaningful.

Additionally, we would have to explore what she’s prepared to do if he doesn’t step up to the plate and become her husband.

We’re not issuing ultimatums, but we are defining what she needs and wants for herself.  As much as Chrissy loves Jim, she shouldn’t have to settle for a relationship that isn’t fulfilling her.  I don’t want her to go another 6 years and perhaps 2-3 children later, and realize that she’s made a grave mistake.

What can all learn from this:
There is no reason why a woman should have to propose to a man.  I am sorry to burst your feminist bubble, but after everything we go through to love and to honor the special man in our life, to now add proposing to the list, just seems unfair.

It is a privilege to share a life with someone, and if you don’t think the privilege of sharing of life with you merits him asking for it, then that says something more.

Additionally, we have to be prepared to take drastic steps when we’ve created a situation that is difficult to get out of. If Chrissy didn’t live with Jim, it would be easier for her to exit this relationship.  And, I would’ve done just that after my proposal was met with, “I got you.”

The ultimate lesson: You cannot make anyone be what they don’t want to be.  It’s clear that Jimmy doesn’t want to be a husband, and if you think you’re unfulfilled now, just imagine what will happen if he takes on the role without being prepared to do so.

Take the hint, Chrissy…you deserve more, and if he won’t give it to you…then you have be prepared to do something different.

I wish you the best!

Oh yea…don’t replace that engagement right you bought, and he lost. (Just my 2 cents!)

What I Told Kris Humphries…

This is the first of five in my “Celebrity Love Note” in the series. I hope that you take my assessment of these high-profile situations and realize that it’s not just star-studded love that is in need of a makeover…we can all do better.

My Take:
Kris, you missed some clues that this wasn’t the union for you. While we overlook many things in the name of love, some things we shouldn’t turn a blind eye to. From the footage that I’ve seen and just a cursory understanding of who Kim is, it’s clear that she isn’t ready for a long-term relationship, let alone a marriage. One key indicator of this was her past relationships, including a marriage that you knew nothing about. My thought is that this isn’t the only thing that shocked you or made you question this relationship, but since the wheels were in motion, you just kept moving forward.

I truly believe that you thought this girl was the one for you, and for that, my heart goes out to you. However, there were too many factors present that had the potential to doom this relationship. From family debates about the validity of this marriage; to unanswered questions about your fiancée; and just way too many cameras chronicling it all. I never saw that Kim was your best friend, and I never saw that this was a union built on a solid foundation, and while it’s easy for me to say these things now, I am sure that in hindsight, you are now probably saying the same things, and more.

When a relationship ends, both people are at fault, so it’s not all about what Kim did or didn’t do. I fault you for not heeding the signs that said this relationship wasn’t viable—at least not in its current state—and for not being wiser in this situation, and doing what was best for you.

If he was my client:
Ok guys, I didn’t actually tell Kris Humphries these things, but I would. Keep reading. If Kris Humphries was my client, we’d have to develop a plan to help him realize the criteria for a healthy relationship. In the midst of this, I wouldn’t let him date for at least the next 6-9 months, because he has to heal from this loss. As I have told you, breakups are like deaths. We have loss someone that we love, and we have to take time to mourn that loss. Additionally, I would like him to set criteria going forward for a life partner.

What we can all learn from this:
First of all, marriage is a serious commitment. I say that it is a magnifier of what is right and wrong in a relationship. It won’t change someone’s behavior for the better and it won’t make the relationship stronger. It will take everything in your relationship and make it more noticeable and more pronounced. If you are ok with having the good and bad in your relationship—just like it is today—multiplied, then perhaps marrying this person is for you.

Now, we don’t know Kris or Kim (if you know Kris Humphries, bring him to me ASAP), but this relationship played out in front of millions on TV—to its detriment. Despite that, the parts that matter were magnified long before they say I do (or perhaps Kim only said she might for the next 72 days). Kris was unaware of key events in Kim’s past, like, err, a previous marriage, and this means something substantial. Regardless of the situations surrounding her first marriage, it should’ve been discussed with Kris privately prior to the family outing, and prior to the revelation of this occurrence being caught on camera for all of the world to see.

The cameras just made things worse. Not only is this debacle immortalized on film, but it makes us witnesses of moments that no one should have seen. Kim wants to blame the cameras for the reason she went through with this, but I think that Kim has some deep issues that must be dealt with before she can be anyone’s soulmate.

My goal as Kris’ relationship coach would be to make sure that he doesn’t become someone who is bitter and closed to the possibility of true love. Additionally, I want him to value himself and not jump into a relationship that doesn’t satisfy him and think, once again, that she is marriage material.

Back to what we can learn…

We can learn that it takes more than a great dress and a million dollar ring to create a lasting marriage. However, what we can also learn is that we have to do our homework on the people that we allow into our lives, and we have to do even more homework when we’re considering marriage.

The best question you can answer before you stroll down the aisle is, “what is the vision for our marriage?” Translation: How do you both see this working? How do we deal with situations? What are your expectations of me as a wife/husband?

We must stop settling for someone—or overlooking major issues in our compatibility quotient—just because they say yes to a proposal, or simply because they proposed. Consider marriage like a business merger, and the cardinal rule of mergers (per Coach Steph) is that we don’t join forces with any company who doesn’t make us stronger, better or richer (leave off the richer when dealing with people).

If you are going to share a life with someone, then they should meet (and exceed) your criteria for a relationship partner. That’s not rocket science…but many people are still failing at recognizing this basic fact.

The story of Kris and Kim should show you exactly what happens when we ignore the signs, and accept someone on the grounds of love alone…both of them should’ve communicated better, and we might’ve been able to avoid all of this. Instead they both seem to have settled, and now hundreds of thousands and a million-dollar ring later, they’re reflecting on the past instead of experiencing an amazing future together.

Last time I checked, forever is longer than 72 days…right?

Don’t make the same mistakes you just read about.  Get my FREE SWOT Analysis Tool Now!

Your Online Dating Profile SUCKS! (and here’s why…)

Note to Readers: Try something new. Signup now for a VIP Sneak Peek of a new relationship site…click here.

On June 12th, myself and my good friend The Dating Diva did a class on online dating and the do’s and dont’s for dating online.  However, this class was very reserved and didn’t remotely touch on the things that I am about to say here.  Because the truth is, some of you (yes, even you reading this) have some profiles that even your mother couldn’t love…Now this article is targeted to the guys, but it can be applied to the girls, so you are not safe…I am just not looking at you online.

Now, I know you want to know why that is…so here goes…

First: Your picture is ridiculous!  Some of them are just down right attractive, but I’m talking to the ones of you, especially the males, that are sitting in your profile pic with your shirt off.  Really, if that’s all you have to offer, then I am afraid that you have missed me, and a few other great girls with such behavior.  We do not care about your washboard abs (at least not while we’re searching), and especially for someone over the age of 22, using such a picture says so much more about your character, or your lack thereof.  So, in case no one has told you…let me be the first…put your *&%$ shirt back on!

Note to Readers: Try something new. Signup now for a VIP Sneak Peek of a new relationship site…click here.

Second: idk y iam single bcoz i am a good man.  Seriously?  Why are you writing in text-ese on your profile?  Of course, you list your profession as a Systems Analyst or some other accomplished position; however you have failed to form complete sentences in something as simple as an online dating profile.  You probably didn’t think it was a big deal, but it is.  Anyone who is remotely interested in you and WORTH (emphasis on WORTH) your time will find this to be absolutely ridiculous!  How is it that a grown, single man with a professional position (or so he stated) cannot communicate on an adult level.  A piece of advice: Be formal in your communications until the relationship allows for you to be informal.  Using bad English, horrible sentence structure, lowercase letters, and text-ese is the equivalent of showing up to your job 6 hours late.  No one cares why you are that late, and at that point, they no longer want to hear the explanation.

Third: I promise this is the last one, event throu I could go on and on and on.  TELL THE TRUTH! The last thing anyone wants to encounter is someone who is jobless or homeless, but has a profile with a job and a living situation listed that are not accurate…If you are in a position in your life where you cannot take care of yourself, then why are you looking for dates?  You don’t need a date, you need a job and your own address, thus, your energies are best focused on achieving those things BEFORE you start looking for a woman to “complete” you (too much Jerry MacGuire), and another conversation entirely.  I hate to say it guys, but if you can’t present your current situation as one that someone who be okay with, then you probably shouldn’t be presenting it at all—definitely not to get dates.  Now there are some women that thrive on having a man that they can control and/or fix, but that’s not what you want.  In the end, perhaps the reason why you are single is because you need the time to get your life together, and as such is the case, I speak for most when I say, now please remove your profile from all dating site—you’re not DATEABLE!

Okay, stepping off of my soapbox…

If after reading this your dating profile still sucks, then click here.