3 Reasons Why you are not Getting Dates

So, you’re wondering what is really going on? You’re attractive, you’re smart and you’re even open-minded.  But yet and still you find yourself, week after week, dateless.

What the love is going on? (Did you like that shameless plug?)

Well, here’s what you need to know.  For the most part, you expect too much.  You expect to go out looking your best and that someone will notice.  Yea, that worked about a decade ago.  Now, it’s a matter of being in the right place at the right time AND with the right people.  So, just to make it clear, here are the THREE  reasons why your are, in fact, dateless.

Reason One: Looking for love in all the wrong SPACES.
I’ve said it before, but I will repeat myself just for you.  There are three types of spaces that I have identified.  They are: Carnal, Communal, and Committal.  These terms define both spaces and people.  But, here’s the deal.  Most of time, you are in carnal space, looking for communal or committal people.  Carnal people are in carnal spaces.  They are interested in the flesh–your flesh.  The ultimate goal is to have sex with you, not converse with you or get to know you (as things happen in communal space) and not to get into a relationship with you (committal space).  Now, unless you are walking around looking carnal (aka the TnA show), then you will be unsuccessful in carnal spaces.  If you are approached in a carnal space, then know that the goal is simple–I just told you, and if that’s not what you are looking for, then bid them a fond farewell.

You get it?

Reason Two: The predator knows its prey; and you aren’t edible.
If you remotely look like you have things together in your life, then that is yet another reason why you are not being asked out.  Now, I fervently believe that there are good men out there.  However, for every good guy, there are about 20 that are poised and ready, on the prowl for their next “meal.”  Unfortunately, it is easier for you to encounter these predators than it is for you to get to the good guy (but he is out there).  So, you just have to be okay with the fact that you are in a waiting and holding pattern for the good guy.  In the meanwhile, you can also roll your eyes at the unworthy idiot who is attempting to get your number.

Just so you know, this goes for guys too, but it would take to long to re-word it, so just use your imagination.

Reason Three: You need to bring sexy back.
Now I am putting this all on you.  While, I don’t advise presenting your assets as they do in CARNAL-Ville, I do recommend showing off your best assets by way of clothes, makeup, a well-fitted suit…do you get the idea?  For example, if you have great legs, then show them off, don’t hide them.  You don’t need a skirt up to your cookie to show them off, but a well tailored pencil skirt will do the trick and still be professional.  If you’ve been in the gym, then please, sir, make sure that those oxfords and suit jackets are cut just right.   Now, you can leave the “smedium” baby T’s where they are, but just make sure that we can see that awesome form.

Coming out of your house looking like a potato sack, or a dull-dressed man, isn’t serving you any purpose.  Even the great guy or girl has eyes in their head, and they will see you before they talk to you.  So, an awesome personality is a plus, but don’t forsake a pair of jeans with a great fit, or a shirt that picks up the blue in your eyes.

Ok…I think I have made my point.  Now, if you are doing all these things (or not doing) and not getting dates, at least now you have a reason.  So, in the meanwhile, work on your hobbies, take up yoga, and read a good book–like mine.

How I Know Jimmy Loves Chrissy

Watching “Love and Hip Hop” last night, was a pretty taxing experience.  I admit that I only became interested in the show after I saw last season’s heartfelt proposal by Chrissy Lampkin to long-time beau, rapper Jim Jones—with ring and all.

 My Take:
First of all, I have been where Chrissy is.  She feels that she has to make somethings happen in her relationship, and because she wants marriage, she felt that it was okay to propose.  The truth is that if after 6 years this man is okay with sleeping with you, and sharing a life with you day in and day out, but has YET to explore sharing his last name with you, take that as a sign.

Chrissy is a strong woman, and beautiful one at that.  I am not saying that she should leave him, but I am saying that she should love herself more than she apparently does.  There is nothing like being in love with a man who doesn’t reciprocate the level of emotion that you have for him.  Do I doubt that Jim loves Chrissy? Nope.  Do I doubt that he’s ready (or willing) to be a husband? Well…  The proof is in the relationship.  Jim doesn’t want to be a husband, at least right now.  These two are in different places in this relationship, and that means that actions have to be taken–by both of them.

Need more proof? The proof in the proposal…that she made.

Tsk-tsk.

And as if it wasn’t enough that she proposed.  Jim looked at her tear-stained face and replied, “I got you.”  Well, that’s the problem, isn’t?  You have her, and are fairly convinced that she isn’t going anywhere, so why bother legitimizing this relationship?  Now, Chrissy believes that they are engaged, and she continues to push this agenda into Season 2, perhaps believing that is she keeps saying it (or asking about it) that it will become a reality.

Really, Chrissy?

But, this I do know: Jim love Chrissy.  He does.  Jim loves Chrissy enough to be with her the last 6 years, call her his woman, enjoy all the perks of her being a live-in “wifey” but not enough to make her Mrs. Jones?

That’s not enough love for me, and I wish it wasn’t for her.  But it happens.

Chrissy should realize that it doesn’t take a grown man 6 years to decide what he wants.  If he wanted to marry you…he would’ve asked YOU.

Probably adding to this sitch is the fact that Jim’s (or Jimmy’s) mother, isn’t exactly Chrissy’s biggest fan, and that’s putting it mildly.

If she were my client:
I would have to get to the bottom of why she wants to marry this man so badly, that she would propose to him.  Is this about the 6 years they’ve spent together, or is this about building a future together?  I spent 10 years in a relationship, and I relate to having all the years together and wanting them to culminate in something meaningful.

Additionally, we would have to explore what she’s prepared to do if he doesn’t step up to the plate and become her husband.

We’re not issuing ultimatums, but we are defining what she needs and wants for herself.  As much as Chrissy loves Jim, she shouldn’t have to settle for a relationship that isn’t fulfilling her.  I don’t want her to go another 6 years and perhaps 2-3 children later, and realize that she’s made a grave mistake.

What can all learn from this:
There is no reason why a woman should have to propose to a man.  I am sorry to burst your feminist bubble, but after everything we go through to love and to honor the special man in our life, to now add proposing to the list, just seems unfair.

It is a privilege to share a life with someone, and if you don’t think the privilege of sharing of life with you merits him asking for it, then that says something more.

Additionally, we have to be prepared to take drastic steps when we’ve created a situation that is difficult to get out of. If Chrissy didn’t live with Jim, it would be easier for her to exit this relationship.  And, I would’ve done just that after my proposal was met with, “I got you.”

The ultimate lesson: You cannot make anyone be what they don’t want to be.  It’s clear that Jimmy doesn’t want to be a husband, and if you think you’re unfulfilled now, just imagine what will happen if he takes on the role without being prepared to do so.

Take the hint, Chrissy…you deserve more, and if he won’t give it to you…then you have be prepared to do something different.

I wish you the best!

Oh yea…don’t replace that engagement right you bought, and he lost. (Just my 2 cents!)

What I Told Kris Humphries…

This is the first of five in my “Celebrity Love Note” in the series. I hope that you take my assessment of these high-profile situations and realize that it’s not just star-studded love that is in need of a makeover…we can all do better.

My Take:
Kris, you missed some clues that this wasn’t the union for you. While we overlook many things in the name of love, some things we shouldn’t turn a blind eye to. From the footage that I’ve seen and just a cursory understanding of who Kim is, it’s clear that she isn’t ready for a long-term relationship, let alone a marriage. One key indicator of this was her past relationships, including a marriage that you knew nothing about. My thought is that this isn’t the only thing that shocked you or made you question this relationship, but since the wheels were in motion, you just kept moving forward.

I truly believe that you thought this girl was the one for you, and for that, my heart goes out to you. However, there were too many factors present that had the potential to doom this relationship. From family debates about the validity of this marriage; to unanswered questions about your fiancée; and just way too many cameras chronicling it all. I never saw that Kim was your best friend, and I never saw that this was a union built on a solid foundation, and while it’s easy for me to say these things now, I am sure that in hindsight, you are now probably saying the same things, and more.

When a relationship ends, both people are at fault, so it’s not all about what Kim did or didn’t do. I fault you for not heeding the signs that said this relationship wasn’t viable—at least not in its current state—and for not being wiser in this situation, and doing what was best for you.

If he was my client:
Ok guys, I didn’t actually tell Kris Humphries these things, but I would. Keep reading. If Kris Humphries was my client, we’d have to develop a plan to help him realize the criteria for a healthy relationship. In the midst of this, I wouldn’t let him date for at least the next 6-9 months, because he has to heal from this loss. As I have told you, breakups are like deaths. We have loss someone that we love, and we have to take time to mourn that loss. Additionally, I would like him to set criteria going forward for a life partner.

What we can all learn from this:
First of all, marriage is a serious commitment. I say that it is a magnifier of what is right and wrong in a relationship. It won’t change someone’s behavior for the better and it won’t make the relationship stronger. It will take everything in your relationship and make it more noticeable and more pronounced. If you are ok with having the good and bad in your relationship—just like it is today—multiplied, then perhaps marrying this person is for you.

Now, we don’t know Kris or Kim (if you know Kris Humphries, bring him to me ASAP), but this relationship played out in front of millions on TV—to its detriment. Despite that, the parts that matter were magnified long before they say I do (or perhaps Kim only said she might for the next 72 days). Kris was unaware of key events in Kim’s past, like, err, a previous marriage, and this means something substantial. Regardless of the situations surrounding her first marriage, it should’ve been discussed with Kris privately prior to the family outing, and prior to the revelation of this occurrence being caught on camera for all of the world to see.

The cameras just made things worse. Not only is this debacle immortalized on film, but it makes us witnesses of moments that no one should have seen. Kim wants to blame the cameras for the reason she went through with this, but I think that Kim has some deep issues that must be dealt with before she can be anyone’s soulmate.

My goal as Kris’ relationship coach would be to make sure that he doesn’t become someone who is bitter and closed to the possibility of true love. Additionally, I want him to value himself and not jump into a relationship that doesn’t satisfy him and think, once again, that she is marriage material.

Back to what we can learn…

We can learn that it takes more than a great dress and a million dollar ring to create a lasting marriage. However, what we can also learn is that we have to do our homework on the people that we allow into our lives, and we have to do even more homework when we’re considering marriage.

The best question you can answer before you stroll down the aisle is, “what is the vision for our marriage?” Translation: How do you both see this working? How do we deal with situations? What are your expectations of me as a wife/husband?

We must stop settling for someone—or overlooking major issues in our compatibility quotient—just because they say yes to a proposal, or simply because they proposed. Consider marriage like a business merger, and the cardinal rule of mergers (per Coach Steph) is that we don’t join forces with any company who doesn’t make us stronger, better or richer (leave off the richer when dealing with people).

If you are going to share a life with someone, then they should meet (and exceed) your criteria for a relationship partner. That’s not rocket science…but many people are still failing at recognizing this basic fact.

The story of Kris and Kim should show you exactly what happens when we ignore the signs, and accept someone on the grounds of love alone…both of them should’ve communicated better, and we might’ve been able to avoid all of this. Instead they both seem to have settled, and now hundreds of thousands and a million-dollar ring later, they’re reflecting on the past instead of experiencing an amazing future together.

Last time I checked, forever is longer than 72 days…right?

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You’re such a “Cheap Date!”

With our economic upturn playing and seek, many daters are looking for quick, easy and CHEAP ways to spend time with a potential signif (significant other).

Here are a few sites to help get you started on your quest for fiscally feasible romance:
Other sites for cheap date ideas…

Frugaldater.com
Citiesonthecheap.com
Niftydateideas.com
Askmen.com
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