Are you Doing the Wrong things trying to Get it Right?

Trusting your intuition about men… why do women ignore the obvious warning signs of a man’s hurtful behavior? Why do women attract, fall in love and commit to men who are wrong for them? Why do women stay with a man who is without question so very bad for them?

How to KNOW if they like you?

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It’s an age-old question, asked by daters young and old. Driven by a desire to be with someone who genuinely cares for us, we find ourselves asking, “does he/she like me?”

Well, they might. (Wasn’t that profound?)

What you have to keep in mind, is that he or she may be asking the same questions about you. So, if in the event that you are too chcken to ask (it happens), here’s a few signs that might help you draw a conclusion. However, these signs are not foolproof, and at the end of the day, I highly recommend asking the individual. It may be a tad awkward to ask such a question, but rather you be a little uncomfortable now, then two months from now.

So, without further ado, here’s a few things to consider…and I hope this helps.

Considerations when you first meet them…

  • Are they attentive when you’re speaking?
  • Guys….did she give you her number when you asked?
  • Girls…did he ask for your number…and call?
  • Do they ask you questions about you?
    This is pretty much all you need to know. If someone likes or is interested in you, then they want to get to know you. Guys always seem to miss this cue. If a woman is not asking questions about you, she’s not trying to get to know you. She may be polite enough to listen to you talk, but if she fails to inquire about you beyond your name, age, and occupation (vital stats, if you will), then that’s a sign. Take.
  • Do they seem comfortable* around you?
    Squeemish could be nervousness, yes. But down right discomfort probably comes from looking for an exit door that is either not close enough or far enough that you’d notice. Especially for a woman, comfort is key to being with anyone.
  • Has the word date been mentioned?
    And, if so, did they respond enthusiastically to the suggestion, or was it like winning a dollar from playing the lottery?

*Creating a comfortable environment may include: 1) Excluding your dirty jokes 2) Not discussing politics, religion, or any other possibly controversial topic. 3) Excluding numerous comments about their looks, beauty, body, job, income, SEX or anything else that would could be considered an questionable (this means you look like a stalker-in-training).

Considerations for the date…

  • Again, are they attentive?
  •  Do they ask questions about you?
  •  Do they seem comfortable?
  • AND one more…When you mention going out again, do they say yes?
    While I realize that this may go without saying, there’s a little more to it. I legitimately mean, do they say without hesitation or any pause whatsoever, “YES!” After the yes, should come the plan. If she says yes, but there is no plan to meet you in an intimate setting–just the two of you–consider this case closed. If there’s a yes, and then she commits to a date, or to giving you a date, then you might have a shot.

While I realize that this article, may seem a bit cliche’ I also know that sometimes we need to be reminded of how dating works, and we need to understand that it’s not that serious (for the most part). We will like and dislike numerous people in our single lives, and the truth is, if they don’t like you, then keep moing forward until you cross the path of someone who does.

#bearockstar
#Love100

Are YOU Loving Yourself Enough to Make Someone Love You?

It hurts when someone doesn’t love us back. Many of us have tried and tried to receive the love that we’ve given willingly and enthusiastically only to draw the conclusion that our love is indeed unrequited.

However, there is a love that we have to address if we ever hope to be happy, and that’s how we love ourselves.

Believe it or not, you may be the reason why the love you seek has yet to find you. This statement is not intended to make you feel badly, but it is intended to make you think.

When you love yourself, you become empowered. You have an energy that makes people want to be in your presence. Additionally, when we love ourselves, we set standards for ourselves and expect people to not only meet, but exceed them.

If you’ve ever settled, accepted anyone’s nonsense, given passes when you should’ve been kicking a**es, then you have been guilty of not loving yourself. Make no mistake, I have done it, too. In fact, it cost me 10 years of my life, and it’s a key reason that I became a relationship coach.

Many times, we avoid conflicts and situations in relationships because we don’t to seem overbearing or domineering. But, understand that asserting your needs, and expectations is a huge part of communicating what you think about yourself. If you never speak up for yourself, then it tells your significant other what they should think about you. It also shows them what you think of yourself.

Light bulbs go off….right…about…NOW!

By the way, this concept also holds true for friends, relatives and co-workers. Every relationship in your life is governed by the high (or not so high opinion) that you have of yourself. I am not saying that you should become an arrogant prick, but I am saying that you should take a look at yourself and really fall in love with the person that you are.

REALLY!

Now, if you need a little help, you can learn how to be a rockstar with me. In fact, I hope you will come and hang out with me because I am ready to show you just how much you rock!

Even if you don’t believe it right now.

Of course, if you do believe it, there’s nothing like hearing it again–and I am more than happy to oblige.

In conclusion, loving yourself is not simply an option, but it’s a mandate. How do you know when you’re loving yourself enough to make someone love you? When you know (emphasis on “know”) that you deserve the best and you refuse to accept anything less under any circumstances…

…and no matter how hot he or she may be! 😉

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Oops! You did it Again…and Again!

I cannot help but feel for this young lady…somewhat.  While I am not a fan of her depicting intimate exploits on screen, I am a fan of the person that she is (or portrays herself to be), and hence, why I feel compelled to pen another “Celebrity Love Note.”

The recent issues between Basketball (Non) Wife Royce Reed and latest “boo” Dezmon (no, that’s not a typo) Briscoe, are a bit ridiculous to say the least.  Once again, we have Royce putting her heart, soul and body (in lingerie no less) on the line for someone who claims to love her.  Only for him to turn around and do something that is not only respectful to the relationship that they profess to have, but also to himself.

But, hey, we’ve all been there…without and without the lingerie.

But, where most of us haven’t been is forced to deal with our significant other’s extracurricular “sextivities” (this means he was sending sext messages…get it) with both his child’s mother and some other woman, who has just recently come forward.

Poor Royce.

I have to admit, this seems to be a cycle that she’s in, and I wish her well in her efforts to be happy and whole.  However, let’s get in to this a bit further, because despite the fact that our business wasn’t on TV for the world to see, some of us still have an issue or two in common with Royce (AKA “@RoyceLR” on Twitter).

My Take:
There are few things at work here.  Royce has had some very public relationships, especially as she is the mother of NBA Star Dwight Howard’s son, she has received and maintained some very bright and pretty relentless, and down right mean, limelight.  It seems that in all her relationships, she is ready to be serious.  REAL SERIOUS! She is ready to give everything to some guy in exchange for the words, “I love you.”  And that seems to be the only expectations that she has for him.

Again, we’ve all been there.

If she were my client:
Royce and I need to have a serious discussion about her definition and expectations of love and what she expects from someone who loves her.  What exactly does the term, “love” mean in general, and what is she really looking for.  Acceptance, belonging, someone to want her…what exactly is it?

Royce has to see that she has a rather destructive pattern when it comes to the relationships that we’ve seen on-air.  They all seem to move too fast, and are entirely too intimate.  It’s almost as if she has something to prove by letting this person love her, or by showing the way that she loves them, she is demonstrating some perceived control.

Royce has to know that she is control of her relationships, and how they develop without all the “extra.”  She has to learn to vet her suitors, Dezmon’s sexting exploits are a clear sign that he is not ready to be the man that she and her son need. But, as long as she stays clouded by her “love-colored” glasses, my fear is that she will continue to be on the receiving end of someone’s immature, yet “loving,” actions.

Royce, he’s just not ready….take heed.  For that matter, neither are you.

What we can all learn from this:
As I said before, we all need to vet our suitors–male and female, and decide that someone is worthy of our time, energy, and emotions NOT because they say those three little words, but because they have demonstrated that they are ready for what we’re ready for.

Yes, it’s just that simple.

There will always be Dezmon’s in the world.  And, just because he’s made these mistakes doesn’t mean that he isn’t a good guy.  It does mean that he isn’t ready for a committed relationship.  Well, he might be ready, he’s just not prepared.

Those are two different things.  For example, you could be ready to leave, but until you pack and make travel plans, you are not PREPARED to go anywhere…get it?!

On the other hand, how you can always avoid being a Royce is by taking the time to learn about someone.  And, while you’re learning, keep your goodies to yourself, and your mind focused on deciding if this person meets your expectations.  No judgment on the “goodies” swipe, but it’s just easier to stay objective when you’re not sexing them up.  Seriously.

Just so we’re clear…I wish them both the best…separately.  As a couple, they both lack the ability to build something strong and lasting–at least right now.  Perhaps down the road, their paths will cross again, and they will be ready and prepared, and it will be an awesome and lasting love. And the only person he’ll be sexting is her…as Mrs.Briscoe.

Hey, I’m a hopeless romantic, let me slide…

One more thing: If you know Royce…support her with positivity, this is not the time to make her feel worse.

This word of wisdom brought to you by: #Love100

Why Don’t YOU Act Like a Man, So That I Don’t Have to Think Like One? (Part I)

This weekend, millions will flock (like single sheep) to see the new Steve Harvey-based flick, “Think Like a Man.”  (Which is why there will have to be a part two, and maybe even part three, to this article.)

Why I find this concerning, is that we are once again, throwing females under the proverbial dating bus, and asking them to lead, and to step outside of who they are.  I’ve explored this concept with a few of my colleagues in the love game, including, Keli V. Crane, Editor of BoisSuq.com (prounounced “boys suck”) and Jai Stone, Founder of BlackLoveForum.com.  And, we all agree, that it’s unfair to continue to ask single woman everywhere to contort and transform themselves to get, keep or revive a relationship.

So…why do we keep seeing this?

While this movie is tauted to Urban audiences, I feel that all walks of life and cultures, have seen this rhetoric.  Women are constantly told that they have to do this, say this, read this in order to get a man.  While, society fails to bring such an “education” to men.  So, while Sally is reading every article, book, newsletter and doing every dating exercise under the sun, Jack is going along, doing as he pleases, more than likely enjoying Sally’s due diligence, but failing to show any of his own.

Again, it’s not fair.

So, I ask the question, “why don’t you act like a man, so that I don’t have to think like one?” Because it seems that this is the problem.  Some men (many men) have taken the female role in relationship.  Sorry, it’s true.  It is the man who desires to be pursued, it is the man who seeks to be wooed.  If no one has told you (all of you), that’s not how this is supposed to work.  Women desire to be, and should be pursued, women desire to be, and should be wooed. So, if you, man, are not wearing the pants in the relationship, so to speak, then what we can expect is sheer confusion.

Personally, I am tired of seeing this role reversal that even many of my relationship coaching colleagues tend to support through their own newsletters, and dating tips.  Don’t you think that it’s time we set things straight?  Or, do you think that this is working?

Well, here are my 3 reasons, why we need traditional roles in dating…see if you agree.

Reason One: Whatever happens in the beginning of the relationship, sets a precedent.  So if you, woman, are in fact, thinking like a man, then you will set the precedent of doing so in the relationship.  This means that you will effectively kiss your desired pursuit and “wooing” goodbye, because you’re in charge.  How do you let a man be a man, if you’re the brains of the operation.  Answer: You don’t.

Reason Two: Without traditional roles, we jeopardize creating strong foundations for lasting relationships.  If you’ve ever seen a “hen-pecked” man, then you know that it doesn’t quite work out when women start leading.  I know, I know…we are the smarter sex, ladies, but we also are the weaker sex (I didn’t say it–stop making that face).  As such is the case, there is nothing like experiencing the stability and security of being with a man who is trustworthy, reliable, and honest; however, if you’re doing the thinking, and he is on the receiving end of that “strategy,” he may not feel compelled to do anything.  He may not work to create stability for you–mostly because, you’re walking around thinking like a man.  Now, I hate to goto the good Lawd on this, but, there’s this little passage that reads, “as a man(kind) thinketh, so is he.” Using this as a foundation, it seems that you become just what you think you are.  See the problem?

Reason Three:  This is  a bit insulting, if you really dig into it, because a woman should be a woman…period.  While I realize that the complete title is “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man,” what it says, is that my thought processes as a member of the female species are sabotaging my ability to get or to keep a relationship.  Really?  That can’t be true.  A real man (emphasis on real) will appreciate the feminine side of a woman.  He will embrace her emotional side, and react to her vulnerable side…he may even tell her “loud side” to shut the (bleep) up! But you get the picture.

At the end of the day, I believe that a real man, will want, love and commit to a real woman.  Real women are strong, courageous, emotional, vulnerable, and loveable.

What are you saying, Coach Steph?

I am saying that it’s time to put down the book, and continue being the woman that you are–thoughts and all!

Enjoy the movie!