Some Advice for Good Sex!

So…I had the privilege of hanging out with my new 20-something year old buddies for a Relationship Roundtable on Saturday.  Of course as with any discussion about relationships, the topic of sex comes up.

You think?

Well, you know my stance on pre-marital sex (and if you don’t, it’s don’t do it); however, for those of you screaming, “screw you Coach Steph! I’m getting me some sex,” then here’s a few things that I would like you to consider.

Calm down, it’s just 4 little things, you can handle it.

Realize that sex is serious.  It’s not anything that you do to show your power, or how well you can do it.  Even if you have the best sex in the world (and references to support this claim), you are a fool to give it to just anyone to prove a point.  Not only is it serious, it’s spiritual.  Now, even if you don’t have a god or believe in God…two people becoming one should sound pretty powerful to you, and in that moment, you should realize that you are both at your most vulnerable.  So, if you don’t mind taking on someone else’s spirit, mind and body for at least 20 minutes, and you’re okay if that it may not mean anything to them when the act is over, then you might be making a good decision.

Insist on protection.  Beyond getting pregnant by someone you may not like in the next 24-48 hours, there are still diseases that can change your life forever.  We’ve all had unprotected sex, but if you’ve been blessed enough to come through it disease free and HIV-negative…then protect your status and protect yourself.  If someone wants to do it without protection, and by protection, I mean something between your flesh and theirs, then consider it an insult to your self-worth.  You are definitely worth a condom (male or female version), some dental dam, something…aren’t you?

Never give your body with expectations.  This is how you get into problems.  You think that if you do it, he will commit, or he will know how you feel.  If you want to have sex with someone, be prepared to accept the fact that they may not call the next day—or ever, and they still see other people, or breakup with you.  If you can accept that without feeling used or cheated, then you’re really strong.

Get over them before you get under a new person.  Sometimes when we lose someone, we’re so upset that we want to take drastic actions.  And by drastic, I mean finding the nearest most available person to bump uglies with. You’re hoping to reclaim your broken heart and show just how fast you can get over your defunct relationship.  WRONG! You’re about to set yourself up for a huge failure (a possibly EPIC fail, if you will).  The feelings you have for your ex are still present, and if you aren’t careful, they will transfer over to the person that you’re smushing.  So…when the deed is done, you’re going to feel even worse.  Now if you can handle that…then you made the right decision.

Now, for those you who are really paying attention…the first letter of the first word in each of the considerations actually spell the word “RING.”  So, yet and still I hope you get the message.

For those of you who think that sex is about power and empowerment, you are setting yourselves up for failure.  While this article is written with a female spin on it, please note that the considerations apply to guys also.

End the end…you will do what’s best for you…I just hope that if it’s right for you now, that it will be right for you later!

3 Reasons Why you are not Getting Dates

So, you’re wondering what is really going on? You’re attractive, you’re smart and you’re even open-minded.  But yet and still you find yourself, week after week, dateless.

What the love is going on? (Did you like that shameless plug?)

Well, here’s what you need to know.  For the most part, you expect too much.  You expect to go out looking your best and that someone will notice.  Yea, that worked about a decade ago.  Now, it’s a matter of being in the right place at the right time AND with the right people.  So, just to make it clear, here are the THREE  reasons why your are, in fact, dateless.

Reason One: Looking for love in all the wrong SPACES.
I’ve said it before, but I will repeat myself just for you.  There are three types of spaces that I have identified.  They are: Carnal, Communal, and Committal.  These terms define both spaces and people.  But, here’s the deal.  Most of time, you are in carnal space, looking for communal or committal people.  Carnal people are in carnal spaces.  They are interested in the flesh–your flesh.  The ultimate goal is to have sex with you, not converse with you or get to know you (as things happen in communal space) and not to get into a relationship with you (committal space).  Now, unless you are walking around looking carnal (aka the TnA show), then you will be unsuccessful in carnal spaces.  If you are approached in a carnal space, then know that the goal is simple–I just told you, and if that’s not what you are looking for, then bid them a fond farewell.

You get it?

Reason Two: The predator knows its prey; and you aren’t edible.
If you remotely look like you have things together in your life, then that is yet another reason why you are not being asked out.  Now, I fervently believe that there are good men out there.  However, for every good guy, there are about 20 that are poised and ready, on the prowl for their next “meal.”  Unfortunately, it is easier for you to encounter these predators than it is for you to get to the good guy (but he is out there).  So, you just have to be okay with the fact that you are in a waiting and holding pattern for the good guy.  In the meanwhile, you can also roll your eyes at the unworthy idiot who is attempting to get your number.

Just so you know, this goes for guys too, but it would take to long to re-word it, so just use your imagination.

Reason Three: You need to bring sexy back.
Now I am putting this all on you.  While, I don’t advise presenting your assets as they do in CARNAL-Ville, I do recommend showing off your best assets by way of clothes, makeup, a well-fitted suit…do you get the idea?  For example, if you have great legs, then show them off, don’t hide them.  You don’t need a skirt up to your cookie to show them off, but a well tailored pencil skirt will do the trick and still be professional.  If you’ve been in the gym, then please, sir, make sure that those oxfords and suit jackets are cut just right.   Now, you can leave the “smedium” baby T’s where they are, but just make sure that we can see that awesome form.

Coming out of your house looking like a potato sack, or a dull-dressed man, isn’t serving you any purpose.  Even the great guy or girl has eyes in their head, and they will see you before they talk to you.  So, an awesome personality is a plus, but don’t forsake a pair of jeans with a great fit, or a shirt that picks up the blue in your eyes.

Ok…I think I have made my point.  Now, if you are doing all these things (or not doing) and not getting dates, at least now you have a reason.  So, in the meanwhile, work on your hobbies, take up yoga, and read a good book–like mine.

How to Upgrade “Them”

So…instead of writing yet another article…I am just going to let this lovely chapter from my book, “The Book of Bye!” do the talking.

from Thing Three: “Lemme Upgrade Ya!”

Confession: I am not a fan of this artist.

While the song featuring the same lyrics as this chapter is cute; believing that you are the person ordained to either be the upgrade for or to deliver the upgrades to this new person in your life is cooking up a recipe for DI-SAS-TER!

 That’s disaster, for those of you who didn’t quite catch that.

Why is it a recipe for disaster?

 Let me ask you a question: How would you feel if someone chose you to be their fixer-upper?


Dana is a really sweet girl.  Not wanting to discriminate, Dana decided that she could go out with Corey despite the fact that she thought he was “too big.”  Her sweet self just thought that he would be a great workout partner, and that would be a great way for them to spend time together.  Well, they didn’t work out together, but you already knew that, and in fact, he never worked out at all!

Now, this is one girl’s story, so some of you won’t be so offended, but imagine if the roles were reversed and Corey tried to slenderize Dana.  There would be a public outcry, and Corey’s head would be requested on a platter.  It would be unconscionable that some man would do this do a woman.

I know. You’re disgusted just thinking about it.  Calm down, and let’s move on to the big thing.

The big thing…

The great thing about a healthy relationship is that we make each other better.  When one member of the relationship believes that he or she is on their A-Game and they further believe that they have chosen a strong C or D-Game individual to fix, this almost never turns out well. Attempts to change someone can lead to a situation riddled with resentment, especially if you take this “upgrade” thing too far and cause the other person to feel inadequate, insecure or self-conscious.  Even if the other person is open to your attempts to change them, the truth is they’ll always be who they are, which may be an overweight guy who likes turtle cheesecake and fried chicken.

 Therefore, we have to accept that the person in front of us is just that person.  They are not the person who would be great, if…or who would be perfect, if.

Dana is really sweet, but the truth is, she should’ve let Corey be exactly who he was…without her.


Now, let’s mend it or end it.


Mend it, if:

  • The upgrade is cosmetic and minimal.

Translation: If you’re just suggesting a few new items to their wardrobe (emphasis on a “FEW”), or you genuinely love who they are inside and the upgrade is based on bringing them out of their shell, or to encourage them to show-off their best assets.

End it, if…

Well of course I left you hangin’…you need to get the entire book, and check out “things” 1-12.  The Book of Bye! is available at, and you need to get yours before the price changes, AND before my Bye Club Book Club event on December 18th.

@%$! YOU!

Well, it’s not what you think.  But it is a new weapon in your arsenal against bad relationships.

I was on LA Talk Live (  last night with Dr. Richard Karr and a few other special guests and he asked me  a question.  He asked me if I thought I could change bad relationtionships.  I responded by telling him I would rather be more of a prophylactic.

A prophylactic?

Before you make that face, let me explain.  Prophylactic is a term that is usually used in relationship to condoms and birth control products–the prophylactic is meant to prevent situations (STDs, pregnancy, etc) from happening.  Medically, it means to administer medications for symptoms that may arise, but haven’t yet. 

Let’s go with that.

I would rather stop you from having a bad relationship, than get you out of a bad relationship.  Now the short answer is that I can coach you in both.  But I am more excited about giving you the tools to avoid such a situation, than coaching you, kicking and screaming and crying, out of a situation that isn’t working for you.  For those you who don’t know this, coaching is isn’t cheap, and it is a process.  So, if you find yourself in need of help, but perhaps a little fiscally challenged, then this is for you.

So…once again, I have to mention my new book, “The Book of Bye!” And again, I have to tell you that I wrote this book so that you can have yet another tool to help you decide if he or she is the person you should be involved with.

That’s how I prevent you from getting in a bad relationship.  That is why I am a prophylactic.  I am protecting you from (well, I am attempting to protect you) from bad relationships.

Get it?

See how easy that is?  And, just for the record, this isn’t any ordinary dating advice book.  I have taken 12 scenarios from my personal dating and relationship coaching experiences to give you real-world rationale to apply to your present, and perhaps even future, dating adventures.  If you follow the instructions in this book, your days of whining about the loser you are dating are OVER!

In fact, your relationship resolution for 2012 should be to STOP whining and START winning…and winning starts with adding this book to your arsenal. Period.

But, some of you will read this and go get the book, and others of you will think that $9.97 is too expensive and you want something free.  If you want something free, then sign-up for a sneak peak of the book on the homepage.

Now for those of you who are ready to be empowered and actually do something different, I will see you on December 18th–book in hand–at my Bye Club Book Club event.

The choice is yours…choose wisely.

P.S. The title of this article is Bye! You! (get it?)